Period Cube: Pick your poison

A.k.a. the route report I promised you, folks. Let's face it: overall, all the beaus in Period Cube are temperamental little pricks that don't deserve Kazuha's favour — and by extension mine — and their romances with the lead lady pack very little romantism and hardly more plausibility. Without further ado, let's get to the whipping! (Spoilers ahead!)

Astrum: Making cool, calm and collected Astrum an awkward and grumpy nerd in real life was a neat idea and an unexpected twist. However, the game spoils that premise by piling up the flaws and making Astrum also jealous, pervy, domineering and rude. Like, how dare you call me an idiot when I'm professing my love for you, you ungrateful little nerdo? Do you want to get laid or not? The way you insisted on applying healing balm on Kazuha's thighs, I'd have thought you were desperately hungry for it. Honestly, if I want a fulfilling love story with a geek, I'd rather go for Meoshi in Sweet Fuse; because as it is, Astrum is merely a creepier, nerdier and skinnier version of Kent from Amnesia:Memories.

Demento: That route is a complete joke. On top of being a truncated route that branches off Astrum's route quite late into the game, it also features a bloodthirsty nutcase that beats Kazuha and proudly flaunts his love for murder. I'm sure this route wasn't initially planned, and I can nearly hear someone at Otomate scream: "Shoot, we forgot to add a psycho route! Let's fix something before the game ships!" Said game would definitely have been better off without that pint-sized excuse for a route.

Hiroya: A.k.a. the token childhood friend consumed with unrequited love. He's the teary-eyed guy on the cover art; and he has good reasons to cry, since he has to watch Kazuha cavort with other guys in all routes but his. I could nearly pity the poor thing, if not for the fact that he's a sullen and immature brat with a high-maintenance streak. The way he harasses Kazuha and demands that she relies on him more while throwing tantrums when she doesn't is not exactly a caring behaviour in my book. Not to mention that, why don't you just prove that you're reliable, instead of coercing me into leaning upon you? Sour cherry on the cake, Hiroya gets all flustered when Kazuha shows him her love and blames her for embarrassing him. Wait, you've been in love with me forever, and now that you got what you wanted, you're playing all coy and bitchy? Stop being hot&cold and make up your mind, boy.

Libera: Have you ever fantasized about a slice of yuri in your otome? Now your dream can come true thanks to Libera, a boy who masquerades as a girl in Arcadia. Libera is actually one of the best bachelors, boasting a playful streak and a touching backstory, but his posturing as a female somewhat soils his route. You could tell that the writers themselves were not completely at ease with that premise, because they made his Arcadia character model completely devoid of bosom, bottom or any other distinctive female attribute and gave him instead the same willowy body sported by all the bachelors — only with skimpy clothing. I can't help but think that if they were not going to go full force and make him a buxom female, they should simply have stuck with his male identity.

Zain: A.k.a. Mr. Plothole. Why this guy is even part of the bachelor crew is a mystery to me: as an NPC, he has no volition whatsoever and gains a will of his own solely through accidentally fusing with Demento. Ensue weird events and plotholes by the truckload, until Zain is somehow magically warped into the real world while retaining his Arcadia appearance. Now wait a minute, game: how is that even remotely possible? Okay, Zain fused with Demento in Arcadia, and it's implied that the former is hosted in the latter's body in the real world; but how can Zain modify Demento's facial features to make them look like his own? The answer is simple: he cannot, and that turn of events was implemented solely to spare the player the twisted outcome of having a romance with a Zain looking like Demento.

Radius: Okay, now I'm pissed. You had one simple job, game: to make my fellow solo runner Radius a compelling character with a good backstory — and you screwed it royally. You want me to believe that this guy was actually a regular party runner that got traumatized because he had to abandon his party to save his life, and that he's been running solo ever since to avoid reliving that trauma? How asinine is that? Couldn't you come up with a more believable solo runner, i.e. a guy who runs solo because he's a genuine lone wolf yet warms up to love and company upon meeting Kazuha? Also, you want me to believe that this guy is actually an idol in real life? If he were really an idol, he would be slaving away for his label, not running solo in an MMORPG. The romance is also way too rushed in that route, with Kazuha claiming that she wants to make Radius happy and doesn't want to be separated from him a mere day after meeting him. That's too fast, even for Period Cube.

Well, I'm done with the route report. But wait, I hear you ask; what about Poyo-Poyo's route? Well, Poyo-Poyo's route is a bit of a special case: as the true route and the only route I genuinely enjoyed, it deserves its own dedicated post. Thanks for reading, and by my guest anytime!